Hey 👋🏽 Unicorns 🦄 - Let’s Chat + Vibe 🌻🧘🏽‍♀️✨| How I survived when I wanted to die?

Hey y’all,

I know you clicked this post like what the hell does she mean “how I survived when I wanted to die?”

Like many others I’m sure spirituality saved my life and it continues to save my life daily. First and foremost, I’ll be the first person to say it; just because you’re spiritual doesn’t mean you’re positive all the time nor are you perfect we have flaws like anyone else because we are still human. I think by being on this spiritual journey negative thoughts creep up on you more just to test your faith and your growth.

So let’s get to it, when I was 6 years old I was molested by my older cousin I honestly don’t think he was brave enough to rape me so instead he tortured me sexually and would try to force me to give him oral while watching porn. He was in high school and I was only in elementary school. I felt so nasty and disgusted even at 6 years old I would think to myself what’s going on and why is this being done to me so, there starts a piece of my childhood trauma.

I grew up being teased and bullied throughout my school years. I grew up poor in a two parent (toxic) household without my mom being emotionally there because she was battling her own childhood trauma but she was there but not exactly how I needed her to be emotionally. I witnessed my mom try to commit suicide numerous of times and ended up admitting her to get help plenty of times there goes other pieces to my childhood trauma.

Well let’s fast 💨 forward to my adult life just wanted to give you a piece of my life but you’ll get more as this blog segment continues.

I was dating my best friend let’s call her “Jessica”. Jessica and I met online due to her trauma with an ex she made a depressive post on Facebook because her and her ex were going through it I supposed so I inboxed her (it’s the healer in me) letting her know I was there if she needed anyone to talk to. We chatted back and forth for sometime and we ended up hitting it off. We connected well and hung out daily I almost felt like she was my soulmate or I met her in my past life but what was hidden beneath her surface was very dark and I could feel it. It’s like she knew how to lift me up and how to bring me down in the same sentence. It’s like she would hurt me but she knew just the right words to uplift me. I almost believed we would get married but she used that too to keep me near. At the time I didn’t know she was hiding her sexuality but eventually I found out as we were on our way to drop me off at work one day. Our connection eventually became toxic almost like the household I grew up in. I grew up in a household where yelling was normal (something I eventually had to unlearn) so I would yell at her hoping to be heard. It was like we were in a relationship but we weren’t in a relationship and whew those break ups were the worse. She would say ugly things to me and there was this one time she uttered the ugliest words to me and that’s when I thought about ending my life. I was feeling so low and alone in this world 🌎 and when I met her I felt as if I had somebody (co-dependency issues) and the moment she ended up saying what she said to me there goes my depressive thoughts and the thoughts about “How would people feel if I weren’t here anymore? Would they care?”…I was thinking about ways to kill myself and what would be the easiest way. I couldn’t stab myself because I would feel it. I couldn’t shoot myself because I didn’t have gun. I couldn’t hang myself because it would require a lot of work from me so, the only thing left would be to take a bunch of pills and leave a note. This was a year later after my grandma died so that made me feel even more like there was nothing left. I laid there trying to coach myself to get my night time Tylenol meds and just end it and I ended up seeing a light ✨ I felt like my grandma came over me and just started talking to me and letting me know I was here for a reason. She started talking gifts and how I was special and reminded of the day of her death how she only talked to me and no one could hear 👂🏾 her but me and it was a reason. Had my grandma not came to me I’m sure I would’ve went forward with what I wanted to do. I said all that to say no matter how bad you want to give up don’t…Keep going and pay attention to all of the signs your angels 👼🏽 are giving you! They are guiding you; your time isn’t up! You have a purpose remember that and if you haven’t found your purpose keep seeking it and it will come to you.